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Writer's pictureLilianah

My exile in the spiritual desert & journey to the promised land

And Yahuah* anger was kindled against Israel, and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years, until all the generation, that had done evil in the sight of Yahuah, was consumed. Numbers 32:13

And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years, until they came to a land inhabited; they did eat manna, until they came unto the borders of the land of Canaan. Exodus 16:35

The number 40 is quite recurring in the Bible. The Israelite wondered in the desert for 40 years after their disobedience with the golden calf. King David (and many other kings in Israel & Judah) reigned for 40 years. Yahusha (Jesus Christ) fasted for 40 days and many other examples of this interesting number.


And in a way I relate to the experience of the Israelite. I was 40 years wondering in the desert of faith and meaninglessness. My former self was puzzled with spirituality. As much as I knew that there was something to believe in, I could not get myself to have faith. I entered all churches I walked by, lighted candles... I went to Jerusalem, Fátima, Vatican, I ringed bells in temples in Japan – and I prayed. I prayed to someone I could not see, something I could not feel - and still I could not stop trying.

I kept wondering, ‘ok, so I have a good life, a nice job, many friends, etc... Now what? Am I supposed to live a good life and then cease to exist?’ Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my life, but would that be fair with people whose lives are not favorable? So either you’re lucky and stars align on your behalf or you get your @ss kicked by life? All the nihilism in the world could not convince me of something so pointless.


My (fruitless) search took me to many ‘gods’. I tried Yoga, meditation, Osho books, I had images of saints and Buddhas and all lucky charms you can think of. I was shooting everywhere and still missing it all!


Then it happened to me one day – I heard a verse that made sense in a video. It was not a religious video per se, but it was what started to make me curious about the Bible. Interestingly enough, hearing is mentioned many times in the Scriptures as the way that our Father reaches our hearts.


So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of Yahuah. Romans 10:17

It’s almost funny (if it wasn’t sad), that I looked everywhere except the most obvious source of wisdom. Growing up, I always had a Bible at home and I tried to read it on several occasions. However it was as if the words were scrambled and none of that made any sense to me.

The process started slowly, not only because I realized I had a few decades worth of studying to catch up on, but also because the realization that there is really a Creator brings other conclusions that are not so comfortable. But I could not resist the discovery!!

I bought my first Bible, then a second, then a third and when I realized the Word was an enormous part of my life. Once that switch flipped in my heart, the Bible spoke to me and when I realized my former self died. It does make sense when people say they are reborn. Maybe I'm not there yet, all I know is that my former self is no more.


If you don’t feel it and you wish you did - I know how it is, but maybe it’s not the right time yet – and I must be franc, it maybe never happen for you, for it is the Father’s decision to separate you from the world. But when it happens, it will be something you can’t resist, because the peace and the meaning which invade your heart is the most fulfilled you will ever feel. If you are searching for faith, pray for our Father, Yahuah and our Savior, Yahusha Ha’Mashiach to open your eyes and your ears to their Word.


But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. John 10:2-4


* Hebrew name of the Creator. For more info on the name of the Father, visit:

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